jessieness

she makes me ashamed of my uneven turnout.

my quest for tortilla chips was a complete dud, because I forgot my wallet and didn't realize until I had gotten to the check-out stand at Sam's market.

I am feeling very sad right now and I don't really know why.

I have to remind myself
-that I am just sensitive because I'm stressed
-that in 48 hours, I'll be at home, reading in bed
-that in four days, I get to order sushi and watch Disney movies 
-and forget my obvious inability to behave maturely in the face of my emotions

also, A and I snuck a bit of J's wine and I have to admit, I'm beginning to feel a bit better :)

because

-blogspot is too public
-and I've invested too much shit here.

update: I am mad at A because he won't buy me tortilla chips. Ok not really.

Something came to my mind as I was sitting in my garage with Ching last night. We were discussing our first week of college (mixed emotions, confusion, liberation, and joy) and talking about the various people we've met so far. Who did we click with? Who did we admire and who do we want to become close friends with in the future?

I know its early on--only a week into our new lives--but I feel confused about where I belong at Berkeley. (And yes, I know, don't we all? But I feel the need to talk about it.)

Sometimes I feel so lost about who I really am and the sort of person I aspire to be. Am I an artist? A dancer? A musician? Everything I do seems to go in phases... I thought painting was the one thing I've held onto, but after a year in AP Studio Art, I find myself a bit tired of art as well.

What do you see when you look in the mirror? What do you see when you invision yourself in your mind?

For me, these two people don't look alike. That cute, petite Asian girl is not what I see when I imagine myself doing something, saying something, or when I think about the future. The voice in my head doesn't at all resemble the one that floods out of my mouth. I am not (or at least I don't think I am) as happy-go-lucky as I may come off sometimes.

So now, the tricky part. How do you combine what you believe you can do, what you can be with what you're given in terms of physical attributes? How does the innocent and naive little Asian girl establish a place for herself in this world?

Am I overthinking it? Am I too self-conscious? Are we truly beyond looks and aesthetics? And if that's the case, then why--like my Psych professor says--are there huge businesses and mass marketing campaigns based on improving appearances? Why do people choose the Macs over PCs? (Because they're prettier! That's why I got one!)

Do you take me seriously?

That's all I can say on this topic for now.

Hello folks! Congrats on finishing the first week of college (for those of you in college)!

I think I actually screamed when I got off the F yesterday here in SF and felt the cold, cold breeze. Yes, Berkeley is beautiful and exciting but I LOVE SF! I love the tall, tall buildings downtown in the business district, and the lights that glow in Chinatown at night. I love love love love the cold weather and the lack of mosquitoes.

Seriously, I wanted to jump out of my skin this week. My body has not been responding well to the Berkeley environment. It started with insomnia. For some inexplicable reason, I can manage to sleep through lecture, movies, the sound of sirens running to the hospital at night, and the noise of traffic on 19th avenue, but I ABSOLUTELY CANNOT tolerate the sound of crickets chirping outside our window. Neurotic, much?

And then there's the mosquito bites. This one on my eye swelled up for about 2 days (and seemed horrifically bigger on the second day)! And the ones on my knee make it look like I've got some infectious disease (yummmmm, right? I feel so attractive).

But yeah, after a trip to Walgreens for some earplugs, an cooling eye mask, hydrocortisone, and neosporin, I think I've got it covered.

Yesterday Ching and I went shopping downtown. I think I drop about $200 everytime I go out for retail therapy. But I just can't help it! I love shopping downtown in SF. I love knowing where everything is, and where exactly to get the cheapest jeans, or shoes that actually fit me. I LOVE THE FAMILIARITY OF EVERYTHING.

Not that I don't love Berkzerkley. It just doesn't feel like home to me yet. Everything is so uncertain... I love the people in my house and I get along with everyone great so far... but I don't know if I've really met the people who will (as they say) change my life. Socially, I'm not even sure WHAT I'm doing, I'm hopping around parties at the frats but I know I don't belong there... where do I fit in at Berkeley? I guess only time will tell.

In the meantime, I think I've got to calm down and focus on getting the massive amount of schoolwork (I don't know why I chose so many reading courses) done and try to throw myself into some extracurriculars. I really really want to join a dance group. But it's been 3 years since I've done any sort of dancing (if you exclude clubbing). I am all bent out of shape. Both literally and figuratively.

But the good news is that my eye has stopped swelling. This early in the game, I think that's all I can ask for.

I am moving in on Sunday.

I feel... scared-nervous-anxious-excited and very very poor. There are lots of things I wish happened this summer and a lot of things I wish didn't... lots of things I wish I did and didn't do and lots of things I am still scratching my head about because I can't get around them.

But, it's time to move on and that is life.

And because I realize that this makes no sense (even to me, the writer of this mumbo-jumbo!), I will instead impart a few words of movie-wisdom. Because we secretly know that movies teach us much more than school.

Today is the day we've been leading up to all summer. So far everything in between has not felt as happy-go-lucky as I had imagined. We haven't hung out as much, we've all been extremely busy, and now unfortunately, time has run out.

I guess we're all learning that we're different from each other, that we do have our own paths and our own interests (like the discovery of our preferences towards carbonated health drinks).

The thing is, no matter how different we are, or how much we get on each other's nerves (admit it, it happens a lot), I will always love you guys. You have all been a huge part of my life, and learning about your annoying habits and awkward personality traits has not changed that.

Some people say that eventually people grow apart, that sometimes a friend is only a friend throughout one period of your life. I certainly hope that isn't true in our case. I've held on to people all the way from kindergarten (poor Ching and Angela) and I plan to hold on to the rest of you.

We've been through a lot together (boys, high school drama, fake love), and I think that validates any number of phone calls, sleepovers, and visits in the future. 

What I've learned this year is that friendships are hard. Yes, familiarity breeds contempt. Sometimes there are days when all we want is to be far, far away from each other. Someone is too cranky, someone is stressed out, someone is caught up in excessive dieting. But there are also days like yesterday, when everyone is together (well, almost) and things just click.

So keep in touch, okay? If the people in all those ridiculous sitcoms can do it, so can we.

Today is Tuesday, July 29. Tonight we are going to see Jon McLaughlin in concert. Tomorrow is Wednesday, July 30. I might go to work. The day after that is Thursday, July 31. And Friday is August 1.

I have not contacted my roommate yet.

What should I say?

Nice to meet you, I hope we become great friends in the future who stay up late under the covers like summer camp and gab about boys and do each other's hair.

Hey, how are you? I'm loud and obsessive and messy and I never know when to shut up.

Hi, I'm Jessie. Please don't steal my stuff.

Now, a question for all of you: When you meet the people who may influence the greater part of your life, how much of a loser do you want to seem? How open do you want to be about yourself?

They say college is a great place to reinvent yourself. What percentage of your personality do you trash, and what percentage do you keep?

I'm trying to observe boundary lines now. I know I haven't been too great at that in the past.

Yes, I do keep posting and posting. It is to escape cleaning the black hole that is my room.

So here I am at work... stumbling upon this entry and I realize...

I HAVE MET JAMES MCAVOY! And painted the Grand Canal (although not live in Venice)!

My life is 1/3 complete. 

One month until college.

Am in the very long and excruciating process of cleaning my room. While digging through a tomb of study books (Calculus for Dummies, Physics for Dummies) and papers, I stumbled upon my old sketchbooks from last summer.

I really must get art back into my system.

I don't know where to keep my college acceptance envelopes. A normal, sane person would throw them away, but I feel like they mean something to me. After all, I remember standing outside for hours and hours, reading THOM and waiting for the mailman. Well, so much for that.

I dunno. I'm becoming quite sentimental.

I am a terrible Cal Bear.

On the bright side, I found a place to live :)

http://www.g-house.com/fall_index.html

Dear Liesl,

I'd like to be able to tell you how I feel about you. STOP. Unfortunately, this wire is already too expensive.

Sincerely,
Rolfe.

Sincerely?

Cordially.

Hmmph!

Affectionately?

♥

It seems like guys these days only exist in two types. Stupid (or phoney?), and emotionally unavailable. Okay, maybe I'm being a bit extreme here. (And maybe I'm just meeting all the wrong people.) But isn't there some truth to this?

And why is that? Is it really smarter to conceal our feelings?

For once, I'd like to meet a guy with a sense of humor who isn't using it as a defense shield.

I am not ready for college.

It's funny how an experience I've looked forward to most of my adolescent life now feels like the being of The Apocalypse. I guess because now that I'm almost 18, the word 'college' is synonymous with 'the real world' and 'the future'. Going to college means I'm training towards my future occupation. Can you imagine? An actual job. 

I think if I were going to Vassar instead of UC Berkeley (Lord knows I think about it enough) I would be excited. Attending a 'small, liberal arts school' sounds like a euphemism for lots of drinking and sex. (Yes, admit it. Who doesn't want to have sex in college?) Vassar allows a lot more room for both personal and academic exploration. I know they'd take care of me. I know I'd have options.

This is not how I imagined my summer would be like. I thought I'd be dorm shopping, making plans with my future roommate about refrigerators, alarm clocks, and other household appliances. Not sitting in a cold office building nursing frustrated ennui, desperately searching for housing on Craigslist.

And now about Cal. All of a sudden it's like I'm forced to make a choice. In a school with 25,000 undergraduates (and 11,000 graduate students), there simply isn't enough room to jump around. So what is it going to be? Am I going to be an artist? An architect? A business major? Do I have the guts (and the gusto) to pursue film? What the hell am I doing, going to a school that only offers courses in Film Studies?

Why can't things stay as they are? I'm seventeen years old. I haven't spent enough time reading, watching, partying or slacking off to know what I want to do with my life. What do I want? I want to go shopping. I want to spend hours in the sun with a good book. I want to have time to dawdle, and wait, and contemplate my life. I want to run out of this office building and keep running, away from college, responsibilites--anything and everything associated with growing up.

Anyway. I think my lunch break's over.

Time to tell me the truth
To burden your mouth for what you say
No pieces of paper in the way
Cause I can't continue pretending to choose
The opposite sides on which we fall
The loving you laters if at all
No right minds could wrong be this many times

My memory is cruel
I'm queen of attention to details
Defending intentions if he fails
Until now, he told me her name
It sounded familiar in a way
I could have sworn I'd heard him say it ten thousand times
If only I had been listening

Leave unsaid unspoken
Eyes wide shut unopened
You and me
Always between the lines
Between the lines

I thought I thought I was ready to bleed
That we'd move from the shadows on the wall
And stand in the center of it all
Too late, two choices: to stay or to leave
Mine was so easy to uncover
He'd already left with the other
So I've learned to listen through silence

Leave unsaid unspoken
Eyes wide shut unopened
You and me always be
You and me always be

I tell myself all the words he surely meant to say
I'll talk until the conversation doesn't stay on
Wait for me I'm almost ready
When he meant let go

Leave unsaid unspoken
Eyes wide shut unopened
You and me
Always be
You and me
Always between the lines

I've just spent four hours with Ching's sewing machine.

Lessons learned:

1. Scissors do not make good seam rippers
2. Time = money!
3. Just buy expensive pants.

Out of three pairs, I managed to salvage... one.